again....(sorry, it's long)

Well, I'm not really sure what to say b/c I'm not really sure what to feel or how to react. Right now I feel like it's all bottled up in my head and soon it will all come out...preferably when I'm alone or away from the kiddos b/c I don't want them to know anything. I had a doctor appt today and found out that I had another miscarriage. I am having a D & C tomorrow evening and even though I knew it was happening it was still hard to hear in the office. I've had signs of it all weekend and knew down deep what it was. The doctor sent me to the ER for an ultrasound to confirm and what should have been fast took 5 hours. Have you been to the ER lately? Ours is crazy...the hospital isn't big enough and doesn't have enough beds for all the patients so a lot of them end up being admitted and then have to stay in the ER which leaves the patients coming in with no where to go. I literally sat in a chair in the hallway with all the other patients for 5 hours. It was crazy. Everyone pretty much knows what is going on with the people around you b/c it's hard to speak in private with the doctors and nurses. Anyway, it has been a long day and I am exhausted. I can't eat or drink after midnight just in case they can get me in earlier. That is the goal if there is a cancellation b/c my doctor has a surgery in the morning and he would prefer to do them both in the morning rather than after work. I don't blame him but I'm thankful that he is willing to go back. His office worked very hard to get this done quickly. I have some awesome people that are going to watch the kids and I won't have to worry about them at all. Now it's just getting through tomorrow with no food or water ALL DAY and dealing with the kids. David missed all day at work today and needs to go in the morning to get some things done and hopefully get this laptop mess in order so he can work from home on Thursday. I don't think I'll quite feel up to being mommy all day since the surgery is so late.

When it's all over and I go for my post op in 2 weeks my doctor will begin blood work to see if there is something that is causing me to have miscarriages. He said we will start with blood work and then move onto more tests as needed. I am so blessed to have the kids that I have and they are so healthy. Sometimes I take that for granted...well I think I have always taken it for granted and now I realize it more than ever. Thanks for listening and going on this journey with me. I don't know where it is going to take me but I'm praying that it takes me closer to my husband, my kids, and most importantly closer to God. He is the reason I am handling all of this so well. He is the reason I have my wonderful husband. He is the reason I have my awesome kids and now it is up to me to recognize that and appreciate each day and all that it has to offer.