Memorial Service

I am documenting this for my family in case I ever make a book of my blog.  Or I may just print it out and keep for myself along with the other posts I have written regarding my miscarriages.  Feel free to read on if you want.

Today I attended an infant memorial service that the hospital hosts for all the babies lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, or any other reason.  I had 7 friends from church go with me to support me which meant a lot to me.  I didn't really want to go and haven't for any of my other miscarriages but I felt like I needed the closure this time.  I wish that David could have gone with me but it doesn't affect him in the same way.  There were 7 or 8 other moms that attended the service also.  The service is held at a Memorial Park and Mortuary.  It was a beautiful setting with a small pond that had ducks in it and a waterfall beyond the pond.  It was a very relaxing place to be and I wish I had pictures of the area.  The waterfall is where I focused most of the time.  It was very calming.  The verse on the front of the program is "I will never forget you.  I have carved you on the palm of my hand."  Isaiah 49.  The service was about 45 minutes and they had a nice welcome, opening prayer, scripture reading and a song before they named the babies and had a rose offering.  Obviously we didn't have a name but some of the babies did. Ours was Baby Noland.  Many of them (like mine)were lost too early to name.  We stood as our name was called and they gave us each a rose.  The songs were hard to listen to and now it is all kind of a blur.  The 2 songs in English were "Precious Child" and "To Where You Are."  There was another song in spanish and I looked at my friend next to me and said thankfully it is because I can't handle another song right now.  The final song was "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton.  It is very surreal to be sitting in that kind of place and deal with what happened after it has kind of been pushed under the rug and pretty much forgotten by everyone else except me (and the girls that were with me).  Oh, I forgot that as we signed in  by giving them our baby's name, we also signed a quilt with the name and the date of the loss.  Honestly the whole thing just felt weird to me.  I guess because this isn't the first time and I have lost track of all the dates of my losses.  I just wanted to forget them and when they told me to write the date I couldn't remember so I had to write the day of my d & c instead.  How terrible is that?  I am going to write them all down somewhere just to have for me and stick it in my wallet.  I have it all in a journal but I just don't like to remember the dates.  I know most of my due dates and the month and year of the loss but not the exact day.

Anyway, back to the service.  They handed out a bookmark with the verse from Isaiah 49 on it and also a Prayer for Women Who Have Miscarried.  The prayer is:
Most loving God,
losing a child is devastating.
Bless all women,
who have had a miscarriage.
Comfort them in their loss.
Give them hope.
Bless them with an abundance of love
that as their bodies heal,
so too may their hearts.
Give them the courage to face each new day
in the confidence of your love;
in the name of Jesus Christ we pray. Amen.

They also handed out a paper about coping with the emotional aspects of pregnancy loss.  I may share some of that on here some day.  It has a lot of things that may be helpful in case you ever know someone else that goes through something like this.  They don't really want anyone to make it better, just remember and listen.  I think the hardest thing is when everyone else forgets or is afraid to talk about it.  People have never stopped sending me baby shower invitations or sharing the joy of a new baby, I just guard myself a little more.  I don't go to very many baby showers.  I usually don't know if I'm going to make it until the day of or the day before and go shopping at the last minute or make something.  It's easier that way because I don't worry about it for a week before.  I just make the decision and go or just stay home.  I have some great friends that are completely understanding and I have only missed a few and most of them were right after a loss.  I give myself time to visit someone after having a baby and haven't gone to the hospital to visit anyone.  I go when I feel ready.  There is more but I will save it for another post.

The last part of the service was the burial of the ashes of all the babies.  They have a special place that the mortuary has donated to the hospital.  All the babies are cremated and buried together. 

I know this was long (if you even made it this far).  I wish it was more exciting to read.

Teaching and Healing

Well, I started my long term position last Monday, April 2 and I'm having a lot of fun!  The kids are great and we are doing a lot of test prep for the state test which starts next week!  I'm in week 2 and still really enjoying it.  The teacher has done a great job with her class this year and it is a very easy classroom to walk into and work in.  I only got to observe her for one afternoon because I was so sick and then she had her baby a little early.  In fact, I was going in to observe her on a Tuesday morning but she had her baby the night before so it didn't happen. 

My mom has been here all week and has done a lot around the house to clean and help out.  I was really tired last week but this week I am feeling better and am ready to tackle some areas that have been neglected!  Grannylou leaves very early in the morning so everyone said their goodbyes tonight and David will be taking her to the airport since he works down the hill.  Normally I would get up and drive her down and get back before he has to leave for work but since I'm working now, there is no way I could get up at 3:30 in the morning and survive the day.  I'm not sure how he is going to survive getting up at that time either but at least he'll be down there and can go to breakfast or sleep in the car. 

I have a follow up with my doctor next Wednesday on the 18th and I'm kind of dreading it.  I know we are going to have to run some tests and possibly do another d & c type procedure and I'm just not looking forward to it.  I tried to put off the appointment a few weeks but she said the doctor wants to see my next week.  Thankful to have insurance to cover everything that I have had done and may need to have done.  So ready for all of this to be over.  I honestly feel like a completely different person than I did 2 weeks ago.  I was so sick and lethargic.  The very next day after the surgery I could eat and drink and didn't feel sick at all.  Well, it may have helped that I had taken an anti-nausea pill with my vicodin the night before but for sure by the 2nd day I was completely fine and have felt better and better each day.

Emotionally it has been a little rough.  I'm very grouchy with my family and have had very little time to process it all.  Church was tough at the beginning of the worship time but after a little break, I was able to go back in and sit through the entire service.  I'm sure that will happen occasionally.  I have dealt with them all a little differently and not very well.

The kids are doing great and Grace's party was a success!  I have lots of pictures to share and I promise I will but for now I really need to get my laundry done and get to bed.  I have a staff meeting early in the morning and have to get both kids and myself out the door by 7:30.  Hope you all are having a great week!

Home

I got home in time last night to see my kiddos for a little while before we all crawled into bed.  Well, actually I think I crawled into bed before anyone else.  The recovery this time may be a little harder but that's because I have to take some different meds this time because my body chose not to start the process itself.  So, here we are in recovery mode and I'm feeling good.  I got up and ate breakfast this morning (a first in about 3 weeks) and am moving around.  My mom is here and helping out.  David and the kids have a birthday party today so they'll be gone for a while and I can go back to bed and rest.  Thanks for all of your kind words.  The doctor has already found something that has to be done before we can even think about trying again and I have a check up in 3 weeks so we'll see where we end up.  I'm thinking we will not go down this road again but time and tests will tell.

Life is Hard....... with update

Update:  Surgery will be Friday at 2:30 pm.

I may share another post I wrote and saved but another day when it's not too hard to see.  Tomorrow morning at 7:30 am I go for a pre-op for my third D & C.  This is my 4th miscarriage since having my beautiful children.  We weren't trying to get pregnant this time but were so excited when we actually saw a heartbeat a couple weeks ago. Then I got really, really sick (usually a good sign) and ended up in the ER for dehydration.  I saw my doctor the next day and that's when we didn't see a heartbeat.  I had it confirmed yesterday (Tuesday) and I will find out in the morning if they were able to schedule it for tomorrow, otherwise it will most likely be Friday.

The teacher I am supposed to sub for had her baby this week and I'm already behind on taking care of her class.  A lot of people are depending on me and I'm ready to get there and have the distraction.  I know many of you are asking why we would keep putting ourselves through this "hell" and to be honest, I have no idea why except we weren't trying this time.  My doctor wants to do a lot of testing because I am now in a 'rare' category and have a very small chance of ever holding onto a pregnancy.

I didn't plan on even telling you guys or putting it out there but most of you are family and if you didn't care you wouldn't be reading my blog so you deserve to know where we are and why the last month has been hard.  I'm terrible at keeping secrets. 

While I was typing this Grace came in the room and asked, "Mom, do you know who IS strong enough?"  I asked who?  She said, "God!"  I love her and her innocence and the fact that she said that just when I needed to hear it.

The kids don't know what is going on.  We chose to wait to tell them, just in case.  I'm so glad we did because they would have been devastated.  For now, I just have doctor appointments and blood work.  No big deal.  They have doctor appointments also and they don't know how many times I've gone.  They are usually with friends and are excited to be left there to play without any explanation. 

Well, I've probably done enough damage here.  Life is hard, but God is in control of this and we will continue to praise Him in this storm just as we have in all the rest.  Thank you for your love and support.